I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
