fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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