you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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