I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
