I'm so fucking centered right now
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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