I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
