she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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