she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So much rum. So many feels.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
