i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
