did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
