wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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