the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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