Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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