After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
