We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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