o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
