3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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