this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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