I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
