I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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