fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You left your underwear on the fireplace
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
