i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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