if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How external is "for external use only"?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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