I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
