Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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