Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
