my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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