Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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