god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
home. puking in laundry basket.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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