Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
