You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
