Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
