My hand turned me down
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
