And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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