I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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