I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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