literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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