Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
