never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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