I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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