Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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