i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
