i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
