Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
