dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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