when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You took a bar mat shot.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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