I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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