She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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