I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
