summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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