Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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