my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
